From Stoicism to Intimacy: Restoring Masculinity
What stands in the way becomes the way. -Marcus Aurelius
The burdens on men in human history.
The burdens of protecting and providing that have historically fallen to men have often come at a cost. Men in almost every society in history have been conditioned to put their emotions aside to ensure the survival of family, community, and nation. The duties to protect and provide at all costs have often been ingrained in male identity, masculinity, and intertwined with self-worth.
In recent years, changes in traditional gender roles, in which men have been mostly passive rather than active participants, has diminished the mutual dependence men and women had for each other. While this has obviously come with positive aspects, the negative aspects have only begun to be appreciated for those men trying to live in this evolving social reality.
Strength lies in emotional engagement, not disengagement.
Traditional communities perceive emotional vulnerability as weakness.
This concept of manhood has taken on various forms in different cultures but in the West, it’s most commonly associated with Stoicism.
Stoic philosophy counseled men to maintain equanimity in all situations by perfecting the four virtues: wisdom, justice, courage, and self-restraint. Mastery of these with unwavering composure was deemed the epitome of masculinity. Stoicism, with its emphasis on emotional detachment, suggested that strength lies in remaining undaunted by life's challenges.
However, this philosophy's flaw lies in suggesting that rationality is incompatible with emotional vulnerability. Emotional disengagement or detachment is not a true indicator of strength or masculinity. While resilience in adversity is essential, true strength is not built through emotional numbness or suppression. On the contrary, habitual suppression and numbness often lead to anxiety, depression, anger issues, dissociation, and eventually significant health issues.
The historical expectation that men should habitually suppress emotions, however noble the intent, leads to a lack of emotional vulnerability—where men are reduced to utility and then resented for it in relationships. The reality is that too many men have been misled about what it means to love and be loved in a secure, healthy relationship.
Intimacy as a perceived threat to masculinity.
Men’s innate desire to be of use often manifests as an inability to risk disappointment to others, a fixation on worldly success at the expense of personal well-being, and an aversion to acknowledging limits and the need for rest. Thus, many men resist emotional engagement for valid reasons; it feels unfamiliar,
threatening, and challenges their perception of their work and what it means to be masculine. Relationally, these tendencies have a significant impact where the self-imposed emotional exile by men transforms into a shared exile for their partners, resulting in profound loneliness.
As time passes, if men perceive themselves as disappointments to their loved ones, their focus shifts to minimizing life's negative aspects. They may question why their strengths aren't appreciated, increasing a sense of inadequacy. Men find themselves contemplating, “If you don’t appreciate the best parts of what I offer, why would you ever love the aspects that feel weak and pathetic?”
Some men may intensify their Stoic emotional detachment, adopting a rationalistic, managerial approach to their partner's needs.
Alternatively, they may express frustration at the perceived lack of appreciation for their provision and protection efforts. However, the most detrimental response is emotional shutdown and withdrawal, which, while potentially beneficial for worldly success, proves toxic to relationships.
Undervaluing men’s emotional capabilities in childhood.
Emotional disengagement is ingrained not only through ancient philosophical teachings on masculinity, but also through personal experiences, particularly in childhood.
This critical developmental period often reinforces emotional detachment in men, especially when secure relationships are lacking. Consequently, many men come to equate their worth with their utility, a damaging mindset perpetuated by societal norms.
For instance, boys frequently face ridicule for displaying sensitivity, as parents, albeit with good intentions, push them to toughen up for survival in a harsh world. However, true strength doesn't stem from emotional detachment; rather, it arises from acknowledging pain, sharing it with a trusted confidant, and confronting the healing process head-on. We become stronger by being able to tolerate more pain, not by denying or suppressing it. To tolerate it, we must feel it.
Regrettably, emotional neglect is often deemed the acceptable course of action in parenting boys, perpetuating a cycle of isolation and undervaluation of boys' emotional capabilities Various family dynamics can contribute to this, including:
Parental figures who dominate emotionally.
Absentee parental figures.
Witnessing a parent's abandonment and internalizing it as one's fault, leading to overcompensation.
Exposure to escalated arguments between parents.
Having a high-needs sibling that absorbs parental attention.
Witnessing or experiencing trauma during childhood or adolescence.
Associating positive performance with deserving more attention or love.
Struggling academically, being neurodivergent, or facing impulse control issues, leading to feelings of being a problem or burden.
Experience of sexual abuse or premature exposure to sexuality.
Being subject to degrading teasing or witnessing others being teased, reinforcing harmful social norms.
Restored masculinity as deeply relational and intimacy as co-creating meaning.
Restoring masculinity involves recognizing its deeply relational nature, a facet often overlooked in historical narratives. The scars of history have inflicted wounds upon men, relegating them to narrow roles and expectations. Yet, the repercussions extend beyond individual suffering; when any group in society is harmed, the collective fabric frays, and everyone feels the strain.
In the modern era, intimate relationships have borne the brunt of this turmoil, struggling to maintain cohesion amidst the dissonance. However, a glimmer of hope emerges through a profound comprehension of the conflicting and shaming messages men have internalized about their value. In acknowledging and articulating emotions, men do not diminish their strength; rather, they fortify it, laying a foundation for authentic relationships.
Within the realm of relationships lies an opportunity for men to reclaim the entirety of their masculinity. The gaze of another holds transformative power, shaping one's identity and understanding of self within the broader context of the world. Through the reciprocity of intimacy, men find validation, affirmation, and the freedom to discover not what it means to be a human in the world, but, specifically, what it means to be you in your world.
